Lord of The Sporks
by The Spork Ladies
Summary: "In a drunken stupor, the dark lord Sauron made something...unnatural." *Chapter 20 is now up*
1. Prologue

We (The spork ladies) Own nothing.  
  
  
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One spork to rule them all  
One spork to find them  
One spork to bring them all  
And in darkness bind them.  
  
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After the forging of the One ring, Sauron decided to celebrate his victory.  
Celebration in Mordor meant a bottle of cheap elf liquor and a plate of tuna salad  
But Alas!! The dark lord had nothing to eat his tuna salad with. In A drunken stupor, the dark lord Sauron made something...unnatural.  
In the fires of Mount Doom he poured his hunger, frustration, and annoyance of bad TV sitcoms. Thus the ONE SPORK was made. Sauron now could eat his tuna salad, and proceed to passout on the floor.  
But when morning came, Sauron found himself foggy about the events of the night before. Things that should have not been forgotten were lost. And so begins the story of LORD OF THE SPORK 


	2. History of The Spork

We own nothing.  
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Sauron was defeated by Islidur, king of Gondor. As Islidur ran to the fire of Mount Doom to destroy the One Ring, he tripped and fell over flat on his face. When he went to see was caused his fall, he found the One Spork. He grabbed the spork and ran to the fire, into which he threw the ring immediately. But the One Spork held too much power of Islidur. He stood there clutching the spork and announced,  
"I claim this Spork as my own!" to which he added "Screw you guys. I'm going home."  
The hearts of Men are weak and easily corrupted. The spork wasted no time taking over Isildur.  
  
"And then the monster started growling at me, so I threw rocks at him, and I killed him, and then he started flying around on rocket boost, and I got to ride inside his head, and now the monster's my friend, and we wen-- and we went to get Slurpees..." Islidur had been rambling off insane phrases all day. His men could take it no longer, and they turned their arrows on him.  
"I'm up Dawson's Creek without a paddle!" Islidur cried as the arrows struck him and he fell into a conviently placed river.  
And so the Spork betrayed Islidur. and was lost for over 2 thousand years. Until it was found again.  
  
A Stoor by the name of Dregol found the spork while fishing in the river. As he looked in awe at the mighty Spork, his friend Smeagol came up behind him.  
"Give me that, my love." Smeagol said.  
"Why? I found it." Dregol said defensively.  
"Cause its my birthday, my love. And I wants it" Smeagol made a move to grab the Spork.  
"Don't have a COW, man!" Dregol yelled.  
Smeagol choked Dregol to death and took the Spork for himself. His friends and family grew tired of his constantly babbling and banished him, so he went and hid under the Misty Mountains. Smeagol started making a disturbing noise in his throat, and was called "Gollum".   
For five hundred years, the spork poisoned his mind. But the spork got tired of Gollum. So, the spork abandoned him and was found by the most unlikely, yet plot forming person! Bilbo Baggins from the Shire!  
and as Bilbo found the renegade spork, a strangled voice cried out in the darkness.   
"D'OH!!!" 


	3. A Long Expected Spork-Induced Party

**We (the Spork ladies) own nothing. If you doubt us, Akasha's sugar glider and Dark Ravenette's snakes are gonna come after you in your dreams. They can do that, you know**  
  
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Years passed, and as the hobbit aged, the spork continued to began to take an effect his mind. Soon, it was time for his birthday, and those who cared about the old coot were beginning to be concerned for his mental health.  
  
  
Frodo, his younger cousin,was expecially concerned. Day after day, the greeting of "Hiiiiiiiiiidey ho" was grating on the young halfling's nerves. He also noticed that Bilbo began to eat more intensely, and always with that spork that he had found on his journey. But Frodo was not one to complain to the man responsible for his inheritance, so he kept his trap shut. But when Gandalf, the wizard, arrived for the party, he too became suspicious of the old codger's behavior.  
  
"Bilbo Baggins, what HAS gotten into you?" Galdalf asked his friend.  
  
"What you talking about, Willis?" Bilbo shot back.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"I mean, I'm fine, Gandalf. Just old, and wearing thin." The wizard took this explanation as truth, and prepared for the celebration, which was sure to be quite spectacular.  
  
After the main courses had been served, many of the hobbits sat in awe as they watch Bilbo devour nearly everything edible in sight. His appetite was incredible, even for a hobbit. Finally, it got to the point where no one could watch him anymore, for fear of being outdone, and the geezer took this opportunity to escape and return to Bag End... where he found an expectant Gandalf waiting for him.  
  
"You're leaving, I take it," he said to Bilbo, who merely nodded. "And you're leaving everything to Frodo?" Again, Bilbo just nodded. "Even the spork?"  
  
The wizard did not receive a nod this time. Instead, he watched as Bilbo gazed down at the spork still in his hand. "Leave the spork, Bilbo!" Gandalf was demanding, and started doing his trademarked growing-really-dark-and-big thing.  
  
"Cut--it--out!" Bilbo cried, moving his finger in the manner of scissors, but then the phase passed over him and he dropped the spork. Instantly, his eyes became clearer than they had since he found the Mighty Spork, and he decided that this moment was the time to leave.  
  
After the door closed behind the travelling hobbit, Gandalf reached to pick up the spork, intent to just set it on the table for Frodo. But when his fingers came in contact with the smooth metal, he was suddenly hit with the desire to eat everything in house. He jumped back from the utensil, and immediately knew what he was up against. This was the One Spork, a tool of immense evil that corrupted its owner with the desire to eat and spout random phrases at random times. It was mumbled by some of the Spork-bearers that they were quoting TV shows, though no one in Middle Earth knew what those were. Gandalf was about to throw the spork into a chest, never to be found again, when suddenly Frodo came through the door, looking for Bilbo.   
And Frodo saw the spork, the last belonging of his cousin, and he wanted it. Frodo held the Spork in his hand triumphantly and whispered.  
"Spoon! I mean, Spork." 


	4. Doom

We (The greatest of spork ladies) own nothing. But if we did, Legolas would constantly be...occupied.   
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Gandalf watched Frodo nervously. He decided to make sure of his theory.  
  
"Throw the spork into the fire, Frodo!" he commanded. Frodo just stared at him with a blank look on his face, so Gandalf walked over and hit Frodo's hand, knocking the spork into the fire. Gandalf quickly retrieved the spork via the fire tongs.  
  
"Here, take it. It's quite cool" He gave it back to Frodo. "Do you see any markings?"  
  
Frodo examined the beautiful spork and answered. "Yes. Yes, I do."  
  
A brief moment of silence followed until Gandalf become annoyed. "Well? What does it say?"  
  
Frodo read the inscription. "Doom Doom Doomie Doom."   
  
Gandalf closed his eyes, deep in thought. He was sure of it now. "Frodo, you possess the One Spork, made by the Dark Lord himself. It must be destroyed!" He opened his eyes to see that he was in a hobbitless room. Frodo had gone into the kitchen to fix something to eat. Gandalf followed after him and watched as Frodo stuffed half a pie into his mouth.  
  
"You will need to leave quickly. Here in a moment, I will drag Sam in here to go with you. Then you need to go get Merry and Pippin yourself, to save time. I will meet you in Rivendell, understood?" Gandalf asked. Frodo nodded his head, his mouth full of a unidentified substance.  
  
Gandalf went and found Sam, drug him inside and got them on their way. As Frodo and Sam ran out the door, Frodo could clearly be heard yelling "Team Rocket is blasting off again!!" 


	5. The Spork Goes to Bree

We (the awesome and powerful Spork ladies) own nothing *grumble grumble*  
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Frodo and Sam quickly got Pippin and Merry, who were conveniently nearby.   
  
"Quickly! To the Batmobile!" Frodo cried. Pippin and Merry reluctantly followed as Sam explained the story behind the One Spork, how Frodo got possession of it, and how they now had to get it to Rivendell.   
  
  
"But why all the fuss? It's just a spork, even if it was made by the Dark Lord." Pippin said.   
  
Sam smacked him upside the head. "Do you really wanna listen to Frodo say these annoying phrases forever?"   
  
They all looked at Frodo who was walking and mumbling under his breath. "There are two kinds of toilet paper in this bathroom. I, and I alone, get the fluffy kind!" Frodo pointed a finger at Sam and kept walking.   
  
Sam, Pippin and Merry were able to refrain from killing Frodo all the way to Bree, and even though Gandalf did not tell them to go there and neither did some other little guy named Tom, they decided to visit. They made a stop at an inn called "The Prancing Pony." They made their way into the common room and sat down, but they did not notice a dark and mysterious guy watching them from the corner.   
  
"If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose." Frodo said thoughtfully   
  
With that said, Pippin went over to get blissfully drunk, and in his drunkeness he started saying things he shouldn't, like, oh, the multiple colors of his underpants. At one point, he hopped on a stool, ready to prove his point.   
  
  
"Maybe you should stop your friend." The dark mysterious guy said as he walked past Frodo. Frodo did some quick thinking and jumped up on the table.   
  
  
"Who wants to hear a story?" He yelled. Everyone cheered, and Frodo began to tell his story.   
  
  
"Once upon a time, there were three little girls who went the Police Academy, and they were each assigned very hazardous duties. But I took them away from all that, and now they work for me. My name is Charlie." Frodo said.   
  
  
No one quite knew what to say, but the dark, mysterious guy came back over and grabbed Frodo. He pulled him into a nearby room, followed closely by Sam, Pippin and Merry.   
  
  
"My name is Strider. I am a friend of Gandalf's, and I can help you. I know the evils of what you possess. I'm a Ranger, and I know my way to Rivendell," Strider said, standing tall.   
  
"Wow, that's some convenient information," Pippin stated.  
  
  
"Look at you, you ain't no gangster! You're all Mr. 2% Milk, Mr. Khaki Pants, Mr. Touched By An Angel. Get out my face!" Frodo stated as he crossed his arms over his chest. Strider looked at Pippin. Pippin looked at Merry. Merry looked at Sam. Sam looked at Frodo and shrugged his shoulders.   
  
  
"You'll get used to it." Sam assured Strider. 


	6. Rivendell

We (the awesome and powerful Spork ladies) own nothing *grumble grumble*  
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After a refreshing night's sleep with only the occasional murmur from the sleep-talking Frodo (yes, refreshing... there is no Ring, so therefore there are no Nazgul), the four hobbits and their human guide started on their way to Rivendell.  
  
"Well, now there's five of us, on our way to see the Elves," Pippin remarked, but regretted saying anything when Frodo chimed in, "By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!"  
  
Everyone glared at Pippin. "Sorry."  
  
A few hours went by and still, Frodo could not be shut up.  
  
"For the love of all things sacred, would you be quiet!" Merry yelled.   
"All you've been talking about is Bigfoot in your garage! Whatever that is."  
  
Frodo looked uncomfortable. "He was using the belt-sander!"  
  
With Frodo finally being quiet, it was a nice calm stroll through the woods until they got to the entrance to Rivendell. Strider recognized this as his childhood home, but for the hobbits, it was a new and exciting discovery. They were eager to enter the wonderful land, and so pushing them onward, Frodo cried out, "Thundercats! HOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
Strider suddenly reached out and smacked the hobbit in the back of the head, but retracted his arm before Frodo could look behind him and see the culprit. Whistling innocently, the ranger followed them into the elves' home.  
  
The Half-Elf known as Elrond greeted them. "Welcome to Rivendell, Mister Anderson--I mean, Baggins." Elrond looked around suspiciously at who might have heard him, but everyone seemed to be occupied with shutting up the rambling hobbit. He cleared his throat, and then continued. "I see that Gandalf had been right. This is a serious matter to which we must attend. We shall have a secret council, in which we will discuss the fate of the Spork."  
  
"Okalie dokalie," Frodo replied, which cause practically everyone around him to slap their foreheads in frustration. Looking around, the young hobbit caught sight of Bilbo, who had been hiding with the elves for this whole time. The influence of the spork had begun to wear off, but now that it was in such a close vicinity, the former spork-bearer had started rambling once again.  
  
Bilbo ran up to his relative, happy to see him, and as soon as they shook hands in greeting, suddenly they both exclaimed, "We are the Canadian Kilted Yaksmen!" At the sight of this greeting, Strider grabbed both hobbits by the ears, and hurried off to find the location of Elrond's council, eager to stop the randomness that was driving him insane. 


	7. The Council of Elrond

We (the greatest of Spork ladies) own nothing  
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Strider dragged the two babbling hobbits to the secret council.   
The secret council consisted of a man named Boromir, Gimli the dwarf, Legolas the Elf, Gandalf, Elrond, and Strider. Some other random people were there, but no one cares nor likes them. Once everyone was seated and the hobbits were as close to quiet as they were gonna get, Elrond began.   
  
"The reason you have been brought here is because the fate of Middle Earth hangs in the balance. The One Spork has been found."   
  
Everyone started murmering at once, then Elrond raised his hand for quiet.   
  
"What will be done with the One Spork? The least of Sporks?" He asked.   
  
"I say we eat the beaver!" Frodo yelled. Everyone stared at him. Gandalf cleared his throat.   
  
"As you can see, the spork has an unwholesome effect on its bearer. I say it must be destroyed in the fires of Mount Doom. Before the Dark Lord get his hands on it. Which is bad." He said, watching Frodo and Bilbo in the corner of his eye.   
  
Elrond nodded in agreement. " I think we should--" He was cut off by Frodo.   
  
"Quit watching me, you squirrel pervert!" He screamed while pointing at Gimli. Everyone stopped and looked at them.   
  
"I wasn't watching him," Gimli grunted.   
  
"When you hear yourself talk, does it make sense to YOU?" Bilbo said, sticking up for Frodo. Gimli grabbed his axe when Elrond raised his hand once again to calm things.   
  
Elrond sighed. "As I said, I think we should--" Once again he was cut off.   
  
"Whose leg do I have to hump to get a decent martini around here?" Bilbo said outloud.   
  
"SHUT UP!" Everyone yelled at the same time. Elrond stood silent for a moment to make sure that he wasn't going to be interrupted anymore.   
  
"I think we should send a fellowship to destroy the spork. Any volunteers?" he asked. Everyone suddenly looked uncomfortable and wouldn't make eye contact with him. He sighed.   
  
"Legolas, Gimli, Frodo, Strider; also known as Aragorn, Islidur's heir, whatever it is you feel like being called, Boromir, Gandalf, and the other three hobbits shall go. The Fellowship of the Spork."   
  
Those being forced to go, groaned in annoyance.   
  
"And one more thing..." Elrond began.   
  
"Oh, I just remembered. You're boring. And my legs work." Frodo announced, as he walked out of the room, thus ending the council of Elrond. 


	8. Caradhras

We (the greatest of Spork ladies) own nothing  
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The council was over, and the Fellowship began to prepare for their journey. While everyone else said that they were busy packing (they were really just avoiding Frodo and Bilbo), the relatives went back to Bilbo's room, where the old fart had a surprise for his cousin.  
  
"My old sword, Sting," Bilbo announced as he handed the weapon to Frodo. "And this," he lifted the coat of metal from the bed. "It's mithril, and super light. My gift to you for the low, low price of only nine ninety five!"  
  
"I'll gladly pay you tomorrow, for a hamburger today," Frodo responded, taking the protection from his cousin's hands. The whole time, he couldn't help but notice the crazed look in the other hobbit's eyes when he gazed at the spork. It seemed as though the hunger was taking over Bilbo once again... or at least it seemed that way at the feast where they both tried to out-eat each other. Made the elves turn their heads in disgust.  
  
Finally, it was time for the the jouney to commence. The elves all seemed eager to get rid of the influence of the Spork, so that their peaceful life would return. And the sooner that Frodo character left, the sooner Bilbo would become normal once again. With a fond wave of farewell and a "So long, suckas!" from the curly haired hobbit, the Fellowship headed out.  
  
Before long, everyone was at the point of murdering Frodo...except for Gimli. The young hobbit had broken into a rendition of "The Lumberjack Song," and when the dwarf had caught onto the basics behind the tune, he had joined in. Legolas, who had been walking behind the pair, had drawn his bow and notched two arrows, one aimed at each of their heads, but only a well-timed intervention from Aragorn stopped the elf from letting them loose.  
  
"I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay...." The two voices carried across the land and echoed off of the Caradhras, where they were headed. Finally, when they were almost halfway up, Gandalf made a serious decision.  
  
"We cannot go any further up this mountain with those two being the fools that they are. They'll cause the mountain to collapse on us. I can already sense its annoyance with their MINDLESS dribble!" As if agreeing with the wizard, the snow from the top of the mountain collapsed onto them, covering them all.  
  
Gandalf decided that the only safe way to get through all of this was to go through Moria. And even though the wizard dreaded that path, he also feared what this mountain would do to them if they let Frodo take one more step.  
  
"Come, we must go back down. We will go through Moria, even though it is extremely dangerous." Gandalf said as they began to turn around.  
  
"I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away." Frodo said, and then began to continue the singing with Gimli.   
  
The fellowship's moods were sour, and their nerves frayed as they made their way to Moria. 


	9. Meanwhile, Back on the Ranch

We, the Spork Ladies, own nada, zilch, zero, and nothing on top of that.   
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"Meanwhile..."   
  
Away in his tower, the wizard Saruman, was pining away for some adventure. Since there was not a Ring for him to yearn for, and since the Dark Lord had gotten a little weak after losing the One Ring AND the One Spork all in one sitting, life was rather boring. The Orcs around him were getting sick of listening to him complain about nothing to do and no one to torment. In their frustration, they informed Saruman the White of the ongoing existence of the One Spork.   
  
"The Spork of Mordor, hmmm?" he pondered aloud. "Well then, that would be a nice little treasure for me to get my well-manicured nails on." He paused to look at his fingertips, which DID look rather nice.   
  
"I have decided," he announced in a deep voice. "The Spork shall be mine... I mean, Sauron's once again! I want you to go after it, and bring it to me... so that I can give it to him..... yeah, that's it! And, what the heck, bring the hobbits with ya. They might be good for a laugh."   
  
The Orcs, rather happy for the chance to actually leave the tower, quickly buckled down to their task. They gathered battle equipment, rallied their numbers and spread the word about their new quest.   
  
Saruman watched all of this with eager eyes, and as the first wave left to hunt after the Spork, he started doing a happy dance. "Look at me," he exclaimed. "I'm dancin' like a monkey!" Then he stopped, and wondered where the heck he got that idea from. The influence of the spork was on him already.   
  
The Orcs travelled as quickly as they could, their evil hearts actually lightened by the fact that they had escaped from the whiny wizard. Rambling in their evil language, they discussed Saruman's desire to create the perfect Orc specimen, how much they hated elves, and the weather, which was rather lovely for this time of year. Before long, they had reached the mines of Moria, where they sat and waited for their prey. 


	10. Moria

We own nothing. If you don't believe us by now, well then, there's something wrong there.   
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The fellowship made their way to the gate of Moria. Gandalf stood trying to figure out the password, while Frodo inspected the door.   
  
"It's a big rock. Can't wait to tell my friends. They don't have a rock this big." Frodo said casually.   
  
Boromir picked up a stone and threw it at Frodo. It bounced off his head and into the lake.   
  
"Do not disturb the lake!" Aragorn said. "Nice shot though." Then, he went to go release Bill the pony (what? you didn't notice they had a pony?). Sam said his fond farewell to the horse as it trotted off, unaware of the danger that it was escaping.   
  
Frodo watched, and quietly observed, "If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have made it through that year in college."  
  
Sam stood there confused. "What!?"  
  
"I'll repeat that, because it bears repeating. If it weren't for my horse, as in giddey-up yippie, I wouldn't have made it through college at a degree certifying institute. Now, do NOT think about that for more than three minutes, or blood will shoot out of your nose."  
  
Everyone paused, utterly stupified by the randomness coming out of Frodo's mouth, when all of a sudden Gimli's hand shot up to cover his nose. "Can we hurry it up here?" he questioned anxiously.  
  
Finally, Gandalf figured out the password, and the doors parted to let them inside. As they started to enter Moria, the Watcher of the lake slithered out of the water and grabbed Frodo by the ankle.   
  
"I love Jacques Cousteau!" Frodo shrieked, but then corrected himself. "Help!! Someone help me!!" The Fellowship stood there, wondering if they really needed to help him. Sam gave in and ran over, striking the slimey arm with his small sword and causing the Watcher to drop the hobbit. Frodo and Sam quickly ran into the mines, as the arms slammed the door closed.   
  
"No!" Legolas's fair face twisted in despair. "We are stuck in here with Frodo!" He fell to his knees, and put his face in his hands.   
  
"Come. We must make haste. Kick the dead bodies of dwarves aside, and keep going." Gandalf pushed them forward.   
  
They trudged on for hours, without a moment's peace from Frodo. "Soon you will be like Cheese Boy: melty, melty, melty!" echoed off the walls for some time before silence was able to regain the halls of Moria. They came to pause where three doors stood, and Gandalf did not know which one to go though. They decided to rest so that Gandalf could think.   
  
Frodo was walking around quietly (for once) when he saw quite a disturbing, and life scaring sight. He saw a slimly creature climing the walls, and ducking into a dark corner.   
  
"Holy bill of rights, Batman!" Frodo cried and ran over to Gandalf. "Something is following us." he whispered to the old wizard.   
  
Gandalf, pleased that Frodo made a sane remark, answered, " Yes. It's Gollum. He wants his spork back, but pay no attention to him just yet, Frodo."   
  
Frodo frowned. "I wish Bilbo had killed him."   
  
"Don't be so judgemental. I have a feeling Gollum has yet a part to play." Gandalf replied.   
  
"I remember the way now!" Gandalf anounced before Frodo could say anymore. The relieved fellowship followed Gandalf into one of the doors, which led into another room. In the middle of the room, there lay a tomb.   
  
"Balin! He is dead!" Gimli cried, running to the tomb sorrowfully. Gandalf grabbed a book away from a dead Dwarf and began reading it.   
  
Frodo walked over to Gimli and placed his hand on his shoulder.   
  
"I love... cake." He said sympathetically. Gimli stared at him in confusion for a moment, but noted by the tone, that it was supposed to be a sympathic gesture, so he nodded in thanks.   
  
"It seems they were attacked by orcs. They were trapped, and could not get out." Gandalf was saying as he read the Dwarvish runes in the book. Unbeknownest to wise wizard, Pippin was poking one of the dead dwarves sitting on a well. With one last poke, the body of the dwarf fell into the well, making a very loud noise in the process. Everyone turned and stared as Pippin tried to look innocent. But they all stayed quiet, listening for any danger that the noise might have awakened.  
  
It was Frodo who broke the silence. "Gravity is a harsh mistress!" He exclaimed.   
  
"Pippin, you fool of a Took! Frodo, shut up." Gandalf spouted agrily. Suddenly drumbeats could be heard through out the room. Everyone tensed, braving themselves for the battle to come.   
  
"I'm betting that I'm just abnormal enough to survive." Frodo said as he pulled out Sting.   
  
Boromir ran to the door, intend on sealing the tomb so that their enemies would have a terrible time trying to get to them, but as he shoved the heavy barrier into place, he was shocked with two surprises.... namely arrows which nearly pierced his head. Aragorn helped, and together, they got the door closed and barred.  
  
"They have a cave troll," Boromir announced to the group.  
  
"Jumping jehosafat!" Frodo cried, and for some reason, the rest of the group couldn't help but agree. Finally, they were prepped for battle. Legolas and Aragorn had their bows strung, Gimli had his ax ready for chopping heads, and Boromir, Gandalf and the hobbits all had swords ready. Frodo even shut up just in time for the first SLAM against the door.  
  
The assault on the door was intense, and as the Fellowship watched, chunks of the barrier were ripped away. Before long, the Orcs had torn away a gap large enough for the archers to get arrows through, which Aragorn and Legolas took full advantage of. Devilish shrieks cried out as the Orcs fell, but more just took their place. Finally, the force of evil completely broke down the door.  
  
The Fellowship was outnumbered, but that did not frighten them away from the fight. Frodo was the leader in the defence.  
  
"Ayayayayayayayaya!" he screamed in a slightly feminine sounding warrior cry, and rushed to the front, swinging Sting like mad. The others didn't waste a moment and followed his lead.  
  
The Orcs were falling to their weapons, slaughtered by the fighting Fellowship, but suddenly the tables turned, and the cave troll came bursting into the room. The action stopped for a millisecond as the fighters observed their new opponent, but then all hell broke loose.  
  
The troll immediately started thrashing around, smashing at the good and bad guys alike. Legolas tried to take a shot at it, but its tough hide prevented the arrows from doing much damage. That didn't mean that the troll ignored the attack though. At the first sign of irritation, he went after the elf, trying to squish him like a bug.  
  
But its attention was drawn away by the hobbits. Going after Frodo expecially, the troll scrambled to grab their legs. Finally, it caught ahold of Frodo, who was kicking like crazy to get free. Just as it looked like he was sure to be killed, the hobbit's rambling stopped the troll in its tracks.  
  
"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them."  
  
The troll stopped, actually thinking about what the speck hanging upside down in his hand just said, and it provided Legolas with the perfect opportunity to line up a shot to the ugly thing's soft spot under its chin. The troll was dead before it even realized that it had been tricked, finalizing the kill count. But as it fell, Frodo fell with him, landing on the long lance what was sticking up from the ground. He fell, impaled, face-down on the ground.  
  
"Woo-hoo! He shut up!" Legolas cheered, but was shut down by a glare from Aragorn, who rushed over to the hobbit's fallen form. Turning Frodo over, he was surprised to find that he was still alive, if only a little shaken.  
  
"It's my shiny thing," he said, as if it explained everything. Just then, Aragorn saw a hint of shimmer from under Frodo's shirt, and watched as the halfling displayed the mithril under his top. Gandalf, who had first been upset with the fact that Frodo was still alive to ramble, quickly realized that if Frodo had died, someone else would have to take the Spork, and then they'd be in for it all over again. So, despite himself, he smiled.  
  
Then, the tired warriors all heard the rumbling of other Orcs coming after them, and they were SO not in the mood to fight anymore.  
  
"Leg it!" Frodo screamed, and they all didn't need brains to understand him completely.  
  
  
They quickly ran from the room into a hall to get out. Gandalf stopped suddenly and listened to the Orcs screaming.   
  
"They are saying 'fire'," He informed the rest of the fellowship.   
  
"It's starting to smell a little like danger in here, or heavily-fried food." Frodo commented.   
  
"It's a Balrog!" Legolas cried, as he hit Frodo over the head, and they started to run.   
  
They reached the bridge, on which they all crossed except for Gandalf. He stood on the bridge, waiting as the Balrog strolled up.   
  
"Fire bad, tree pretty," Frodo said as he looked back to watch the conflict between Gandalf and his fiery foe.  
  
"You SHALL NOT PASS!" The wizard yelled and wacked the bridge with his staff. The Balrog stared at him for a moment and began to step on the bridge. The bridge broke and the Balrog fell, but not without taking one last swing at Gandalf with his fire whip. The whip coiled around his ankle and he fell, holding on for dear life to the edge. He gave one last look at the horror stricken faces of the fellowship.   
  
"Fly you fools!" He cried, and fell into the Darkness.   
  
"OH MY GOD! THEY'VE KILLED KENNY!! YOU BASTARDS!!" Frodo screamed.   
  
Aragorn grabbed the babbling hobbit by his hair as they took off running out of Moria. 


	11. Frodo Disses the Elves

We, the highly sugared-up Spork Ladies, own nothing.  
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The Fellowship escaped from the mines, and instantly collapsed to the ground in grief. Only Legolas, the stoic elf, and Aragorn, the emotionless man, had dry eyes. Frodo was crying as well, but was thankfully silent from idiotic mumbling.  
  
However, Aragorn was not about to let them all become Orc fodder when the sun went down, so after some brief words of urgency, they started off toward the blessed forests of Lothlorien.  
  
It wasn't long before the Spork started up on Frodo again, and soon the grief of the group was mingled with heavy annoyance. This did not improve anyone's mood in the least.  
  
"Frodo, would you PLEASE shut up?" Aragorn asked from the front of the group.  
  
The hobbit looked shocked. "I mock you with my monkey pants," was his mere respond, but it did not seem as heart-felt as any of his other ramblings.  
  
Even Gimli, who had once been encouraging the halfling, was ready for him to shut his mouth. He knew that they were about to enter the realm of the Lady of the Woods, and he was one dwarf that didn't want that sorceress getting her hands on him. He walked up behind Frodo and slapped his hand over the hobbit's mouth, who promptly bit him.  
  
"OWWWWW!" Gimli's cry could be heard throughout the woods, and suddenly the group found themselves surrounded by elven archers who had their bows drawn, loaded, and pointed at them.  
  
"Crap oh crap oh crap oh crap on a crap cracker!" Frodo yelled, and then yipped in pain as Sam kicked him as a sign to shut up.  
  
The head archer, Haldir, looked at the hobbits questioningly, but then shook it off. "It's no matter. We heard the dwarf breathing a mile away."  
  
"Not surprising, with those ears," Frodo mumbled under his breath, but of course, Haldir had heard him and took offense. The elves all tightened their bows, and only Legolas' rapid response in elvish saved Frodo from unspeakable torment.  
  
"Avo dhag in arnaw. Echad i spork sen glavro." **  
  
The archers laughed, and relaxed a little. Even Aragorn gave a little chuckle. The rest of the group were stuck in the dark until Aragorn told them later.  
  
Haldir thought for a moment. "Well, I guess I can let it pass. I'm under orders to bring you to Her Lady alive, anyway. Alright, get out the blindfold for the dwarf, and a gag for the hobbit."  
  
It took quite a bit of fighting, but it ended up with all of the remaining Fellowship blindfolded, and Frodo double gagged as well. "Bloody hell!" Frodo screamed as he tripped on a rock. Little did he know that Haldir had placed it there. And together, they all walked into the lovely land of Lorien.  
  
  
**Sindarin for "Don't slay the moron. The Spork makes him babble." 


	12. The Mirror

We (the spiffiest of spork ladies) own nothing. but we wished we owned Legolas. bwahaha   
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The fellowship followed their Elven leaders to meet the Lord and Lady of the Golden Woods. They ungagged Frodo and waited.   
  
The Lord and Lady came before them, and in an instant, everyone regretted removing the gag from Frodo.   
  
"Woman woman woman!!" Frodo yelled. Sam quickly grabbed his babbling friend and put his hand over his mouth.   
  
"Welcome to Lorien. Here you will find safety. But, tell me, where is Gandalf?" Celeborn asked. Galadriel looked Aragorn in the eyes and turned to Celeborn.   
  
"Gandalf has fallen into darkness." She said quietly.   
  
Celeborn wasn't paying attention to her. He was staring at Frodo as he struggled against Sam while crying out, "Biggly, biggly, biggly, biggly, biggly, biggly, bog!"   
  
"Lady Galadriel, I fear our nerves are frayed, and our minds cloudy. May we rest now?" Merry asked hopefully, watching Sam and Frodo out of the corner of his eye.   
  
"Yes, I think that is a wise choice." Galadriel said as they turned to leave, giving one last glance at Frodo.   
  
Haunting and beautiful voices rang through the air, singing a song about the fall of Gandalf. When asked, Legolas would not translate, saying the grief was still to near.   
  
"I hope they add something about his fire works" Sam commented, and sang a small verse he made up on the spur of the moment. The fellowship was quiet, after he sang.   
  
"Did you take a bong hit before you wrote that?" Frodo asked suddenly. Pippin jumped on him with a pillow over his face. Aragorn, against his better judgment, pulled Pippin off of him.   
  
"I think we had better sleep." He sternly told the others.   
  
As the others fell asleep, Aragorn and Legolas left for a moment. When they came back, they had a gag with them. They promptly held Frodo down, gagged him again, and when back to their beds.  
  
Frodo did not stay asleep for long though, and soon he awoke and saw the Lady Galadriel walking in the night. Ripping the gag off, he quietly exclaimed, "Helloooooooooooo nurse," and got up to follow the fair elf. Sam, who had been nearby, heard his friend leave, and decided to watch after his friend and make sure that Frodo's insane banter did not annoy the elves to the point where they got kicked out of Lothlorien.  
  
Both hobbits followed her until she stopped at a fountain. They watched as she collected water from the pool, and poured it into a large and risen bowl. "Would you look into the mirror?" she asked them.  
  
Sam was the first to gain enough courage to glimpse into the still water. As the Mirror cleared, he gained the vision of Rivendell, but not as he remembered leaving it. Instead, the elves were all partying, and looked quite smashed. As Sam leaned closer to observe the weird images before him, he saw Elrond stand on a table, quite inebriated, and announce, "Here's to the departure of that bungling, rambling, insane little hobbit. May Frodo never step foot in Rivendell again while he still carries the Spork! Now, where's my dress?" With that, the Mirror faded over, and Sam only faced his own reflection.  
  
"What did you see?" Frodo's curiosity had given him the strength to fight the Spork's influence once more, and so he was able to ask an intelligent question.   
  
Sam, however, just shrugged his shoulders, not ready to tell the other hobbit the truth. "Nothing important." Galadriel, in the meantime, was trying not to laugh.  
  
Then, Frodo stepped up to the Mirror. Gazing into it, he watched as images began to form. First, he saw Legolas staring at him with a look of contempt and annoyance. Then, Boromir, Aragorn, and the rest of the Fellowship in turn. Finally, Frodo saw his return to Bag End, spork still in hand. "Surprise, surprise, surprise," he exclaimed as he walked through the gate to Hobbiton, and every single hobbit around started jumping him and kicking the crap out of him. Then, they sent him back out to finish destroying the Spork, before his insane babbling ruined their lives forever. Frodo fell back from the Mirror, clutching the Spork in his hand.  
  
"Well, there goes my idea to give up and go back," he said. Then he looked at Galadriel. "You take the Spork. Elves should be able to deal with it better than I. I claim this cat in the name of America!"  
  
The Lady ignored that last part and actually pondered his request. "I must admit, the idea had crossed my mind, and I have wondered if the Spork wielded by The Dark Lord would be safe in my hands." Suddenly, she became all scarily glorious and green for some reason. "I will rule this world with an iron fist!" She pointed at Sam. "You there, obey the fist!"  
  
"EEP!" Sam cried, and scurried behind Frodo, hiding.  
  
Galadriel calmed down and returned to her normal form. "No, I will not take the Spork, young hobbit. Its power corrupts me as well."  
  
"Aw crap." Frodo mumbled. "Then to Mordor I go."  
With that, the hobbits returned to their beds, and Galadriel glanced once again at the mirror, wondering what was happening at the party now. 


	13. Row Row Row Your Boat

We (The spork chicks) own nothing. Also to be noted, many parts of this chapter were taken from the book and were NOT in the movie. If you're confused, GO READ IT!  
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"I've got keen instincts. And right now, my instincts are telling me that... I don't know what the hell is going on." Frodo announced as he watched everyone else pack their belongings. He didn't want to leave, but the Elves of Lorien were getting annoyed with him and his spork.  
  
They made their way to the river, where they were stopped by Galadriel and Celeborn.  
  
"We have gifts for you." Galadriel told them. She gave belts to Pippin, Merry and Boromir. Frodo started laughing at Pippin while he tried to put on his belt.  
  
"Do you think this is funny?" Pippin demanded.  
  
"No, I think it's the opposite of funny. I think it's... wood," Frodo quickly looked away and saw Galadriel give Sam a little box and give Aragorn a jeweled sheath for his sword.  
  
"And for you, young spork bearer." Galadiel said as she walked over to him. She gave him the Light of Earendil, the brightest star. "May it be a light in the darkness, when all other lights are gone." She said.  
  
"Shiny!" Frodo exclaimed as he grabbed it from her and put it in his pocket.  
  
Galadriel, at the request of Gimli, gave the dwarf three strands of her hair, thus bridging the gap of rivalry between the dwarves and the elves. Then, the fellowship made their way to the boats.  
  
"Frodo, can you help me with these packs?" Sam called to Frodo.  
  
"I would, but I'm paralyzed with not caring very much." Frodo replied and got into the boat.  
  
Sam was at the point of turning around and bashing Frodo upside the head, but he quickly calmed himself down by repeating the mantra, "It's only the spork. It's only the spork. It's only...."  
  
With that, the group started their trip down the River Anduin in the boats that the Lorien elves freely gave them in order to get rid of Frodo. Their trip, which had begun with them all in high spirits, started to take a turn for the worse when they all realized that they were isolated on a river with the rambling Frodo with no means of escape except drowning themselves.  
  
"I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties." Frodo was babbling while looking at the water, and so he failed to notice Aragorn's paddle lifting from the water until it was too late. The broad side of the oar connected with the side of the hobbit's head with such precision that the Ranger knew that Frodo would be out cold for a while, but wouldn't die any time soon.   
  
From every boat, cheers of happiness cried out so loudly that every elf in Lothlorien heard them, and even some residents of Rivendell turned their heads slightly later, wondering who could possibly be so happy.   
  
When they all calmed down slightly, Merry turned to Pippin and Boromir, who were in his boat. "What's a Godzilla?" They both shrugged.   
  
The Fellowship was allowed three hours of pleasant silence before Frodo regained consciousness, and even then, his jabber was considerably reduced. Only once in a while did anyone hear a peep from him, and they watched as he mostly watched the river. At one point, he thought he saw a log following them, but when the "log's" eyes flashed at him, he knew it was Gollum following them, but he feared speaking out lest he meet the wrath of Aragorn's paddle all over again.   
  
Suddenly, while they were in the middle of the river, an unexpected ambush of Orcs started shooting at them. One arrow shot Frodo in the chest, but his mithril coat saved him once again. Only now did he speak up. "No one's shot me in a long time. I don't like it. It ruins my wardrobe, and doesn't do anything for my temper." Carefully, he removed the arrow that was sticking out from his shirt. Legolas, in the meantime, was busy shooting the orcs, intent on at least driving them off. Finally, he seemed to hit the magic orc, because they all ran off, scampering.   
  
"Huh." The elf pondered aloud. "They ran off very quickly."   
  
"Don't complain!" Three of the four hobbits yelled at Legolas. The fourth one merely squeaked, "No, not the hair, never the hair!"   
  
Finally, they reached Amon Hen, where they prepared to settle for the evening. 


	14. Broken Fellowship

We (the hella-spiffy spork ladies) own nothing. Once again, we go along with events in the book.  
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The members of the fellowship were sitting around their camp, each pondering ways to kill Frodo. Little did they know that the spork-bearer had gotten tired of them as well.  
  
"Eh. I hate you guys." He whispered to himself before standing up and going for a 'walk'.  
  
The fellowship sighed in relief.  
  
"I'm going to go get more firewood" Boromir said as he walked off into the woods. After walking for a while and gathering wood, Boromir heard the most annoying thing he had ever heard in his life.  
  
"This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friends. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because..."  
  
It was then that Boromir, son of Denethor, heir to the stewardship of   
Gondor, snapped. He threw down what wood he had gathered and marched over to where the singing was. There stood Frodo.  
  
"Give...me...the...spork" Boromir spat. Frodo turned in alarm.  
  
"Have you the BRAIN WORMS?!" Frodo cried in defiance. Boromir pounced on him, trying to take the spork. They rolled around in the dirt and the leaves before Frodo got a clear shot. He poked Boromir with the spork viciously and took off running. Boromir yelled in anger and pain.  
  
Back at the camp, the others were starting to worry about their   
vertically-challenged and annoying friend.  
  
"Where did Frodo go?" Pippin asked. The others shrugged.  
  
"We should go look for him, so he doesn't annoy the forest creatures."   
Aragorn said. They all ran off in search of Frodo, except Sam, who stayed behind.  
  
Unbeknownst to the other members of the group, Frodo was deeply questioning his choices. The encounter with Boromir had shaken him to the point where he truly realized how annoying he was to his friends. He could not continue to annoy them so. Slowly, his answer came to him, and he knew that he must leave them all, for the sake of their sanity. Sadly, he began to return to the camp.  
  
However, on his way back, foul voices and torments filled the air, and soon Frodo found that the once quiet land was now covered with a strange form of Orc. What none of the Fellowship knew was that these were the Uruk-hai, Saruman's perfect orc species. But they soon learned that these were harsh fighters.  
  
Frodo ran back to the camp and found it all but deserted. He knew that his friends were busy fighting their new opponents, but he did not know to what extent.  
  
The hobbit was not aware that Aragorn was busy hacking through the fell   
creatures with his sword. He did not know of how Legolas was rapidly   
shooting arrow after arrow into the vital areas of their enemies, or how Gimli was ferociously slicing at them with his ax. And he certainly was ignorant to the fact that Boromir, the man who had just attempted to take the cursed spork away from him, had fallen in battle while protecting Merry and Pippin, who were taken as captives despite the man's best efforts.  
  
All Frodo knew what that he was about to head into Mordor alone, into the land of a not-yet defeated Dark Lord. He grabbed one of the boats, and prepared to row across the river to the East bank, when a hand grasped his shoulder. Frodo whipped around to face Sam, who had a look on his face that made Frodo decide that slight company might be appreciated. Together, they entered the boat and began to paddle. As they looked back to where they had just came, a tinge of guilt for leaving their friends in battle entered their hearts. But then they remembered that leaving them would probably help them, so they gazed forward to their upcoming adventure.  
  
And as the Fellowship broke completely, Frodo was last heard declaring, "A boom boom boom boom goodbye!" 


	15. In Which We Follow Legolas, Aragorn and ...

We, the Spork Ladies, own bupkis, except for our website. Bwahaha. If you want to read an interactive version of the story, go to www.angelfire.com/weird2/sporkladies   
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The man, the elf and the dwarf returned to camp, carrying their fallen comrade. As they put Boromir down on the ground, Aragorn thought about the brave man's final words. With his dying breath, Boromir had confessed to attacking Frodo, to which Aragorn had merely listened. Heck, they had all wanted to attack the little runt, so the man of Gondor's actions were in no way evil.  
  
Together, the three prepared a funeral of sorts for their friend. Laying him in one of the remaining boats, they also placed his sword, his cloak and the broken horn of Gondor with him. Then, they sent him down the river, watching as the boat was whisked away by the rapids and finally over the falls.  
  
"So...." Legolas started, glancing at Aragorn with a look of slight fear in his eyes. "Do you need to be..... comforted?"  
  
"No," Aragorn replied matter-of-factly.  
  
"Thank the Valar," the elf mumbled under his breath, relief and pride returning to his posture.  
  
Gimli cleared his voice. "Not to break up this touching moment, but must I remind you two that we have friends in trouble?"  
  
"Oh yeah, we should catch up with Frodo," Strider looked to the opposite bank of the river, where another one of their boats now sat docked.  
  
"Um, I think Frodo and Sam can take care of themselves," Legolas stated, but secretly he just did not wish to go after them and put up with the hobbit's ramblings any longer. "I think we need to go after Pippin and Merry. I mean, they HAVE been captured by giant Orcs, you know."  
  
"Too true," the man mused. "All in favor of hunting Orcs, say 'aye.'"  
  
The vote was unaminous, and so the three set out to find their stolen companions. Along the way, Aragorn and Legolas heard a noise, not quite horrible, but strangely melodious. When looking around, they realized that it was coming from Gimli. He was humming a familiar tune. The other two soon caught on, and before long, the woods were alive with a trio of voices singing in honor of Frodo.  
  
"He's a lumberjack and he's okay. He sleeps all night and he works all day" 


	16. Its a bird!! Its a plane!! Its Gollum!!

We ( The magical spork ladies) Own nothing. YES!! YOU HEARD ME!! NOTHING!!  
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Sam and Frodo trudged on. They had just stopped to rest from climbing down some deep slopes. Sam threw his bag onto the ground, hoping against hope that Frodo would be silent. Sam looked up and saw it. Not very far off, Gollum was climbing down towards them.  
  
"Frodo, look! Gollum!" Sam whispered to the other hobbit. Frodo opened his mouth to say something, but Sam quickly put his hand over Frodo's mouth.  
  
"Shhh!" Sam hushed him.  
  
Sam and Frodo moved towards Gollum cautiously. Just then, Gollum fell, and Sam quickly ran over, grabbed him and pulled him up. Gollum hissed with anger, turning to Sam and leering at him.  
  
"How YOU doin'?" Gollum hissed at Sam. Sam jumped back and scrambled away quickly behind Frodo, who had Sting out.  
  
"You're a vile piece of humanity! You don't deserve to breathe the same air as decent human beings." Frodo said, staring coldly at Gollum. He knew what Gollum was after -- The One Spork.  
  
"Gollum knows the way to Mordor, he doesss" Gollum hissed, knowing that was where Sam and Frodo were headed. Frodo detached Sam from him and held his mighty spork above his head.  
  
"Swear by the One Spork!!" Frodo announced. Gollum looked confused.  
  
"Swear what? What does nasstttyy and sstinky hobbit want us to swear?" Gollum asked.  
  
"I think Mr. Too-Much-Cologne is the pot calling the kettle stinky." Frodo commented.  
  
"That you will show us the way to Mordor. And you won't kill us." Sam answered. "Or leer at us," he quickly added.  
  
"We swear on the precious spork, we won't kills you." Gollum whimpered, in awe of the sporkness. "Let us see the precious..." Gollum stopped, seeing the fierce and defiant look in Frodo's eyes.  
  
"Your mouth is open. Sound is coming from it. This is never good." Frodo growled at him, and put Sting back. He pointed at a spot on the ground where Gollum would sit.   
  
Sam was repeatedly pounding his head against the rock wall in fustration. Not only did he have to deal with Frodo, but he now had to endure Gollum, who now sat away from them, muttering.  
  
"Bad dog... ruff" Gollum mumbled, watching Sam and Frodo fall off to sleep. 


	17. Dead Marshes and A Spork-induced Nightma...

We ( THE MIGHTY AND GREAT SPORK LADIES) own nothing. NOTHING!!!! ahhhhh  
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Sam and Frodo followed Gollum down the cliffs. Frodo had been keeping himself in check, because after hearing Gollum rambling, he realized how stupid he must really sound. He was slightly worried that the peculiar smell coming from Gollum might also be a side effect of the Spork. Sam had quickly comforted Frodo, assuring him that it wasn't. Gollum just stunk.  
  
"I am the terror that quacks in the night... I am Darkwing Duck!" Gollum exclaimed as he jumped off the very last cliff, onto the flat ground. Sam and Frodo followed. It was time to start eating. Sam handed Frodo a piece of lembas. He looked suspiciously at it.  
  
"No sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you!" Frodo warned Sam as he took the lembas. Sam feared he was going to have a nervous breakdown. They got back up and began following Gollum into the dead marshes. Creepy dead people looked up at them from their watery graves. Sam looked down into the dead face of a man in the marsh.  
  
"I wonder how he died, " He pondered out loud. Gollum turned to him.  
  
"Shot himself? In the back of the head? Wrapped himself in plastic and he locked himself in the trunk of his car?" Gollum answered.   
  
Sam looked at him in confusion, bewilderment and slight fear.  
  
"He'd been depressed," Gollum explained before turning back around.  
  
As morning crept closer, Gollum would go no farther. Sam and Frodo tried to coax him into going just a little more, but Gollum wouldn't.  
  
"Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass!" He hissed at them. Frodo and Sam slowly backed away. They decided to eat a little more before going to sleep.  
  
"NO PICKLES! OH, GOD HELP YOU IF I FIND PICKLES!" Frodo yelled as he inspected his piece of lembas. Sam made a mental note to stay away from Frodo next time they ate.  
  
After a short while, the hobbits began to get sleepy. Leaving Gollum at watch, they both drifted off to sleep. Frodo, in his Spork-induced insanity, began to dream.  
  
He walked into a clearing where all of the Fellowship sat together once again. He looked around and saw all of his friends, alive and accounted for. Something at the back of his mind told him to stay back, that something was not right about all of this, but his happiness to see his friends overrode the cautious part of his brain.  
  
He ran closer to his friends, but stopped dead when he realized what was wrong. Everyone was holding something in their hands, a familiar object -- a spork. And they all seemed to be lost in their thoughts, and insanity. Frodo reached for where he had kept The One Spork hidden, but it was no longer there.  
  
The hobbit ran to a log where Gandalf, the wisest of the group, was sitting. "Gandalf," he asked, his voice free for once from spork-inspired ramblings. "What's happening?" Suddenly, Frodo realized that the wizard no longer looked as he remembered him. Instead, he was wearing white. A white diaper to be exact. Gandalf stood up and started dancing, singing "ooga chacka ooga ooga ooga chacka" at the top of his lungs. Frodo stumbled back, tripping over firewood as he did.  
  
Boromir stepped forward, picking Frodo up. The hobbit flinched, remember his last encounter with the Man of Gondor, but all fears of that moment were replaced with new ones as Boromir started shaking him, screaming, 'He's not pinin'! He's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! He's a stiff! Berefit of life, he rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! He's fuckin' snuffed it!.... THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!  
  
Frodo broke free from Boromir's grip, landing forcefully on the ground with a bump. He was overjoyed to see Aragorn striding towards the insane man, thinking that the ranger was going to put a stop to the insanity, but instead Aragorn merely stood there and regally shouted, "Stop, in the name of all which does not suck!"  
  
From the ground, Frodo frantically looked around at the rest of the Fellowship. Gimli was sitting with his back to a tree, rocking back and forth, mumbling, "I'm a pretty lady. I'm a pretty, pretty lady." Merry and Pippin were standing slightly off to the side. Apparently, one of them had lost his spork, so they were fighting over another. However, instead of a usual, "It's mine! No, it's mine!" battle between them, Frodo clearly heard the weirdest fight he had ever witnessed.  
  
"Rabbit season!" Merry cried, pulling the spork towards himself.  
  
"Duck season!" Pippin replied, holding onto the utensil and tugging back.  
  
"Rabbit season!"  
  
"Duck season!"  
  
"Rabbit season!"  
  
"Rabbit season!" Pippin changed up on Merry, who didn't notice.  
  
"Duck season!! FIRE!" Merry screamed, but his "success" was cut short by Pippin's fist in his face. Pippin grabbed the spork as Merry fell to the ground, and ran off.  
  
Legolas and Sam were on the other side of the clearing and seemed to be the only two still slightly sane. Frodo got off the ground and ran over to them, desperate for some sort of normalcy at that moment. However, as he got closer, he heard their conversation.  
  
"Do we have any grease?" Legolas asked Sam.  
  
Sam looked in his pack. "Yes, yes we do."  
  
"Then, GREASE me up, woman!" Frodo watched in horror as Legolas tore his shirt open and ran off, screaming about saving the wee turtles. Sam just shook his head.  
  
Sam! The only one that seemed to be dealing with this with some sanity still in tact. Frodo hurried to his life-long friend. "Sam! They've all gone insane! How did they all get a spork? Where's the One Spork!?"  
  
Sam looked confused for a brief moment, as if pondering the questions. Then, in a high pitched voice, he answered, "I.... don't.... know!!" He then jumped up, beat himself upside the head a couple times and started running around.  
  
Frodo screamed. What was happening!? He tried to run away, but his foot got caught in a tree root and he tripped. As his head collided with the ground, Frodo suddenly woke up in the real world. He bolted upright, breathing hard. He looked around, gathered his surroundings, and remarked, "Aw crap." 


	18. To Go Insane, Or Not To Go Insane...That...

We (THE GREAT SPORK LADIES) own nothing. (Dark Ravenette rules!)  
  
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"Cowabunga!"Â  If there had been any birds in this barren, forsaken land, that random cry would have caused an entire flock to decide to migrate south early.  
  
The trioÂ had been traveling for days, and SamÂ slowing losingÂ what his sanity he had intact.Â  He was having the hardest time keeping either of the spork-sick beings quiet.Â  Usually, he'd be able to silence one of themÂ for thirty seconds before the increased ramblings of the other took over for it.Â  Even when Sam had taken out one of his cooking knives with a homicidal look in his eyes, this had not given either Frodo or Gollum the subtle hint to shut their traps.  
  
At one point, Sam even considered just taking the Spork away from Frodo and running off to hide it where neither heÂ nor the sneaky Gollum would find it.Â  However, that plan quickly was put away when Sam realized that the moment he touched that vile utensil, he too would start rambling.Â  He shuddered at the thought.Â  "That's not for me," he decided quickly.  
  
"Why was there bacon in the soap!?"Â  Frodo suddenly screamed.  
  
"I made it myself!" Gollum answered in a high squeaky voice that Sam silently prayed he would never have to hear ever again.Â  This was the worst: when they teamed up on their rambling.  
  
Sam could feel his resolve rapidly breaking, and he knew he wouldn't be able to take anymore of this without a silent rest.Â  Vainly hoping for some sort of reason to seep into Frodo's brain, Sam turned to his friend.Â  "The sun's rising, and I know Gollum will want to stop.Â  Why don't we get some sleep?"  
  
"If I don't get my 23 and a half hours of sleep, I'm cranky all day."Â  Frodo remarked.  
  
Finally, Sam snapped.Â  "Enough with this insanity!Â  Can't you two stay quiet for three seconds before complete filth comes pouring out of your mouths?"  
  
"Awww," Gollum said.Â  "Somebody needs a hug."  
  
Sam pointed at Gollum, his finger shaking in anger.Â  "Don't...you...come...near...me!"  
  
Gollum sat on the ground and crossed his arms, much like a pouting child.Â  "Nasty hobbit."Â  Slowly in his twisted little mind, his own plan was forming.  
  
Frodo saw the pain on his friend's face and collected every ounce of control he had over himself to stop rambling.Â  "I'm sorry, Sam.Â  Come on, we should all get some rest."Â  Silently, Frodo hoped that he would not be plagued by another nightmare, but he did not want to worry his already frazzled Sam about such little problems as troubled dreams.  
  
All three of them curled up in their own little spaces that they claimed as their beds for the day.Â  Sam tried as hard as he could to get comfortable with the tree root as a pillow, but he knew that they could be walking in the wilderness for the rest of the Third Age before he would ever get used to it.Â  Turning to Frodo who was not too far away, he apologized.Â  "I'm sorry that I was so curt.Â  Sleep well, Master Frodo."  
  
"You too, Sam.Â  Good sleep to you as well, Gollum."  
  
"Goodnight John-Boy."  
  
Sam screamed. 


	19. OH MY LORD IT'S...nothing to get excited...

We, the Very-Busy-But-Not-About-To-Quit Spork Ladies, own nothing.  
  
*************  
  
The next evening, Sam awoke and could not find Frodo near him. Panicking,   
he instantly jumped to the conclusion that when his guard was down, Gollum   
had stolen or possibly killed Frodo to get The Spork.  
  
However, just as Sam was about to go into a murderous rage, he noticed that   
Gollum was still asleep in the spot where he had lay down that morning.   
Confused, Sam looked around the little area where they had settled for the   
day and noticed that a dead bush was shivering. Sam carefully made his way   
over to the foliage and peered behind it.  
  
There Frodo sat, muttering incoherently and rocking back and forth. As Sam   
placed his hand on Frodo's shoulder, the muttering became more audible and   
distinct.  
  
"Can't sleep, clown will eat me. Can't sleep, clown will eat me."  
  
Sam sighed. As much as the insane rambling was getting to him, a Gamgee   
would never let a friend be alone in their time of need. And Frodo was   
definitely in need. This quest was taking a lot out of him, both physically   
and mentally. Mostly mentally.  
  
Sam knelt down to the ground (which wasn't very far for a hobbit) and looked   
Frodo right in the eyes. "There are no clown, Master Frodo. Just your   
trusty Sam."  
  
"Gollum here too," a voice sounded from behind Sam, causing both hobbits to   
jump.  
  
"Yes, the slimy, smelly, untrustworthy Gollum is here too."  
  
Gollum humphed. "Fine, use me for my expertise of the dark arts and then   
toss me away on the side of the road like a flattened armadillo on a lone   
Texas highway. Buzzards circling high above, longing for the..."  
  
"Shut up!" Sam yelled, unable to control his anger once again. He paused,   
collected himself and then spoke to Frodo once again. "Come, Frodo. We   
need to move on. The sooner we get to Mount Doom, the sooner we can get you   
back to normal."  
  
With that, the trio headed out.  
  
Not much later, Sam was wishing that Frodo would let him borrow Sting for a   
mere minute. Just long enough to commit serious damage to his own hearing.   
The ramblings were worse than ever, and once again, they were teaming up.  
  
"Like the shark, the panda has millions of teeth which it uses like a   
hacksaw to cut through bone, candy, and fences. The Chinese believe that if   
you find a discarded panda tooth you have the power to summon Godzilla."   
Both Frodo's and Gollum's voices seemed to echo throughout the land, and   
once again, Sam was left pondering what a Godzilla was.  
  
Suddenly, they found themselves at the end of swords held by several men.  
  
"I call it Mr. Pointy," Gollum said.  
  
"You named your stake?" Frodo asked.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Remind me to get you a stuffed animal."  
  
One of the men stepped forward. "I am Faramir," he stated. "I would like   
to know your business here."  
  
Frodo chimed in. "No you don't, 'cause if you needed to know, you'd know.   
But they decide that you don't need to know, so you don't. So stop thinking   
about what you don't know 'cause you don't need to know what you think you   
need to know about."  
  
The man stared at the hobbit with extreme fear in his eyes. He also noticed   
that the other short little man was shaking, almost like he was about to   
snap.  
  
"'Dis is Precious Roy and I don't wanna die alone in this bathhouse!" Gollum   
spontaneously exclaimed, scaring poor Faramir even more.  
  
Faramir suddenly felt an extreme weight pulling on his clothes, and as he   
looked down, he saw Sam clutching to his collar and pulling himself off the   
ground.  
  
"Take me with you," Sam cried in desperation. "PLEASE take me with you!   
I'll do anything! Anything!! I can cook, I can clean... I'll even swim   
across a river. Just make them stoooooooooooooop!!"  
  
Faramir threw the hobbit from himself and took off running in the other   
direction. His men quickly followed, none of them eager to stick around   
with the crazy little people.  
  
Sam fell to the ground, and just broke down sobbing. 


	20. Where's a Slinky when you need one?

We, the I'm-Not-Dead-Yet Spork Ladies, own nothing 

-------------------------------------------------- 

Three days passed after their encounter with the not-so-brave Faramir. The only thing that kept Sam from slamming his head against the nearest tree was the fact that there WERE trees. This small area was such a change from the dead, unfoliated wastelands that they had previously traveled through that it made Sam want to dance and sing. Not that he would. 

For those three days, Sam tried to revel in the splendor of his surroundings. And then, it all came crashing down around him. The moment they turned east, the trees vanished for dead thorn bushes and an arid desert was all that was in sight. 

"I should have taken that left turn in Albuquerque," Frodo said. Sam turn and glared at his friend, but knew that nothing could be done. Hopefully, they were close to their goal. 

Days passed, and the wasteland was affecting them all. Sam was getting a little more edgy with each passing moment, Frodo seemed to be getting more and more insane, and Gollum... Well, Gollum seemed to be plotting something in his deranged little mind. Sam did not want to know what though. 

About a week into their stay in the lovely land of Oh-Valir-I-Didn't-Know-Things-Could-Get-Worse, Sam and Gollum were blissfully asleep, and Frodo decided it was time to wake them up. He stepped up beside Gollum.  
  
"You've got to wa-a-a-ke up, honey... oh no, you wet the bed again... Why can't I have a normal child without these problems?" Frodo sighed, and Gollum jumped up and shrieked. Sam was awake shortly after and did his morning things, and they were set to start leaving. 

It was not long before they entered Morgul Vale.  
  
"Hobbits must hurry!!" Gollum said, while Sam and Frodo followed behind. Sam was slightly suspicious of why Gollum seemed to be in such a hurry, but Frodo had other things on his mind.  
  
"The captain of your brainship is drunk," the crazed hobbit muttered under his breath. Gollum merely glared and stopped, pointing ahead of them. 

Before them all were the steepest set of stairs the hobbits could ever had imagined. They seemed to stretch past the heavens and into oblivion.  
  
"The stairs," Gollum said in awe. Then, he got a crazy glint in his eyes. "What rolls down stairs, alone or in pairs..." Gollum started sing.  
  
"For the love of the Shire, no!" Sam yelled and threw a frying pan at the singer's head. 

Gollum managed to duck out of the pan's path but hung his head in defeat. "It's Log, Log, Log!" He finished under his breath, and they started up the stairs. 

After what seemed like forever, they reached the top of the stairs and found themselves at the mouth of a dark and dank tunnel. "What now?" Frodo asked Gollum but, when he received no answer, he turned and found the creature gone. "He's gone!" Frodo told Sam. "Where could he have gone?" 

"WHO CARES!" Sam was a little more than happy with the disappearance of the creepy Gollum. "We might as well go into the tunnel. It's the only place those cursed stairs lead to, anyway." And so, they did. 


End file.
